Friday, July 16, 2010

Where I have been...

We have all seen those commercials...

               "Where does Depression Hurt?"

I can now answer that question but for a long time I didn't have the motivation to be my own advocate. It took some people around me to step in and point out a few things. Depression not only hurts the person who is depressed but it hurts their children and spouse. It throws the family into a spin.

Lately, I've had no prose or poetry to post. I have tried but I just can't seem to finish anything. This is the worst kind of writers block and then also, the best kind because I have been getting back to normal.

Recently, life has been empty. I tried to fill it up but I couldn't. I didn't know what was going on with me and I didn't care to find out. It was so hard to wake up every single day and think about walking down stairs, fixing my kids breakfast and interacting with them. It's pretty tough to own those feelings right there. It is painful to admit that I wanted them to play outside so I could sit on the couch and stare blank or that I didn't greet my husband when he walked in to door from work. That just kills me for them.

When we visited family or friends it took a lot of energy,  to smile and be interested in conversation when I really just wanted to crawl under the covers and sleep.

Back at home, I struggled to do the simple things like clean my house, eat, take a shower, play with my kids and want to live my life. I constantly worried about so many little things, it was miserable.

One Saturday, my husband Johnny sent the kids in our room to watch a movie and he came over to me and asked me what was wrong. He asked me what was going on in my head and told me that life shouldn't be this hard. We got into a pretty big argument. It was in that moment I realized something was wrong.

The next Monday I went to see my Doctor and talked to her about all of my feelings. I was totally honest and that was hard because I felt like I might be inSANE! She prescribed me Paxil (which again, made me feel like I was losing my mind). It took me a few days to pray and commit to taking it. I even went back to see my Doctor once more to confirm that I really needed it. She confirmed...

I have the hardest time trusting myself and what I know. I struggle putting myself out there, broken and needy and tainted, trying not to care how people see me.

I am starting to feel so much better! Everyday I feel closer and closer to normal. Yesterday I cleaned my whole house, window sills and all and I was happy for the sunshine through the window pane and the giggles from my sweet babies. I find myself playing with my kids more and withdrawing less. It feels so good to want to read my Bible and draw closer to God. Even though I couldn't feel him while I was in that darkness, I know he is watching over me.

So, that is where I have been lately. It hasn't been the best of places but things are starting to look up and I'm off to find some more Prose in the Laundry...because it is actually getting done!

 I just want to say Thank You to all of my blogging Friends. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your posts and your comments and your emails. Your all awesome!

32 comments:

Rachna Chhabria said...

Hi Alexis..what an honest and straight from the heart post. The fact that you took the matter in your determined hands shows that you wanted to recover. And once you recover completely, there will be no holding the prose back.

Lisa said...

Bless your heart, friend. I'm so glad that the healing has begun. We live in a broken world and all of us will feel that deeply at some point in our lives.
God is good and you are being held.
If you have time, listen to this song. It really helped me with the recent loss of my brother.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rk4A5647xHw

(((Hugs)))
Lisa

Tamara said...

It takes more courrage than most people will ever have in their lifetime to be this honest with yourself and with others. I applaud your courrage and wish to share that I have struggled with similar feelings my WHOLE life on and off. I have never taken anything for it except Jesus. I simply refuse any sort of medicine because I truely believe that EVERYONE suffer with moments of deep dark grief and saddness and worry, I feel as though it is a part of being human and in tune with our surroundings. I believe that the reason more people aren't calling themselves "depressed" is because most people bury their lives and their feelings with drugs, alcohol, gossip, anger, television, music....anything that will prevent them from doing what you did, admit to feeling human! I love you dearly in Christ Jesus and will be praying for your deliverance from your sorrow and I pray that the peace of God fill your heart.
Here is some food for your soul;
Philippians 4:4~ REJOICE in the Lord ALWAYS: and again I say, REJOICE
~ Isaiah 53:3,4,5
He is despised of men;a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief....
..surely he hath borne our griefs and carried our sorrows...
...But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities,THE CHASTISEMENT OF OUR PEACE was upon; and with his stripes, WE ARE HEALED
please read the full verses, about how Jesus truely suffered all so that we can have peace and healing and more importantly salvation.
Have to run but I will post more verses as I think about them and you ( :
Okay, bye for now.

Annie said...

Hi Alexis,
It takes strength to seek help when you need it, and sometimes it does take someone who cares about us to pull us toward that help. I'm glad you're feeling more yourself again. The fact you know the difference is a wonderful step. Hugs... Annie

Jodi said...

Alexis, you have been on my mind so much lately. Thanks for being brave and sharing your struggles. You're not alone. Praying for you, sister.

be not blind said...

I'm pleasantly blown away by your honesty. That takes some real courage to admit and talk about. How will we heal or make progress if we deny and blind ourselves to the state of our own hearts? Personally, I've gone through something similar, and it can be really tough to get back to 'normal'. Keep leaning on Him. You will overcome. ...Here is a link (copy paste) to one of my poems that somewhat relates:

http://benotblind.blogspot.com/2010/04/shroud.html

And one of my pages 'what is be not blind', about being honest with ourselves:

http://benotblind.blogspot.com/p/what-is-be-not-blind.html

p.s. You're a very talented writer. I always enjoy your poems.

Lydia Kang said...

Hey Alexis,
It's so brave of you to face what was going on in your life. Depression is not a character flaw and you are an amazing person for making that effort to get help. I am so thrilled that you are feeling better and able to experience happiness and contentment again.
Big cyber hugs,
Lydia

Carrie Burtt said...

I have missed you so much, and I was worried something was wrong. I am glad that you are feeling better. You are very brave and beautiful on the inside and out!
:-)hug:-)

Barb said...

Dear Alexis, So - is this why I've been thinking of you? Perhaps we are all connected in some profound way that is hard to fathom. At any rate, your recognition that you need to seek help is the first step to wellness. With the support of your husband and close friends, I believe you will emerge into light and joy once again. There is no need to apologize about depression - anyone who stands in judgement has a lack of empathy and isn't worth your worry. Believe me - nobody is perfect! You have a rare talent; part of that is your ability to look inside and face what you find with honesty and truth before making poetry with it. I hope that the medication eases your darkness and allows you to fully participate in life once again. I'll be thinking of you.

Rockin' Robin said...

Alexis, thanks for sharing what I'm sure must have been a difficult experience for you. Writing this post was very brave and admirable and something that truly amazing writers have been known to do. Know that you have community and supporters, always, in your everyday life, and here in the cyber blogging (and poetry) world. All the best and can't wait to encounter more of your fabulous writing!

Robin

Aparna Radhakrishnan said...

Glad to hear you are doing better...waiting to see more prose....

Wanda..... said...

Alexis, you must be so loved, for your husband to recognize your stress and help. "Broken, needy and tainted" are not words anyone would use to describe you. You are a remarkable young talented woman!

An imbalance of chemicals can cause havoc with anyone, I myself had a similar experience a month ago...an underactive thyroid was making me feel 'Not like myself'. One little pill gave me back my normal. You will get yours back too. Smiles to you, Alexis!

Thank you for leaving me such a sweet comment recently...I believe our wonderful friend Barb introduced us back in March, I'm so glad she did, I consider you a great find! :)

Hannah Stephenson said...

Good for you for reconnecting with how you feel, and exploring it. Very glad to hear you are feeling a bit better, day by day.

Kaylie said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with the world--not an easy thing to do. It's nice to know when I have a bad day and think I'm going crazy that I'm not alone.

Vicki said...

Good husband have you.

I got one too.

My husband learns a lot about what goes on in my head by reading my blog. He just reads quietly, and never comments.

Write.

emily wierenga said...

oh Alexis... this is so perfectly imperfect, i love you for it. i love your brokenness and vulnerability. i'm so excited you'll be part of the Imperfect Prose community. you have so much beauty to share. i'll pray for you, friend. love... e.

Julie Musil said...

Alexis, I'm am so sorry to hear that you've been hurting. I'm glad you reached out for help, and that you're getting back on your feet again. I'm sure it's been a painful struggle for you and your husband, and trying to stay cheerful in front of the children.

We are ALL imperfect and tainted, and you are NOT alone. I know your family and friends in your real life are there for you, and your friends in THIS life are here for you too.

I'm glad you're back. I checked your blog a few days ago and didn't see anything new, so I figured you were on vacation or something. I'm going to e-mail you my phone number, in case you ever want to just talk. Ok?

Vicki Lane said...

Dear Alexis,

I walked that dark road years ago -- good for you for getting help and getting back into the light!

SuzyQ said...

(((((((((I have been in that darkness too.))))))))
It is so very, very painful. I pray you will feel the warm and loving embrace of our Heavenly Father more and more each day.
As you emerge little by little into the light.
God Bless
xx

Connie Arnold said...

God bless you, Alexis! You have been through such a rough time and are so brave to share it here so openly. You don't know what an impact you can have on others because of what you have been through and returning from, how God can use you to help and bless others through your experiences and your writing. Praying you can continue forward into healing and light, enjoying your family and the many joys of life.

Julie Musil said...

Hey Alexis, hope you're having an amazing Sunday. My turkey-in-a-bikini post is up if you want to check it out. Be sure to add your two cents!

Thinking about you today...

Samantha Bennett said...

So glad you're feeling better! Admire your openness and am excited to read some more of your prose. :)

alicia said...

I am happy for you that found the help that you need. There is no need for shame in admitting that we are weak. Praying that God blesses you and your family and praying that you are able to feel more and more like yourself.
Your honesty is courageous, you are a blessing to many.
(HUGS)

Vicki said...

Hi again! I have an award for you at my blog...
I hope you are continuing to feel better each day. I remember how much the medication helped me when I first started taking them after being depressed for YEARS. Such a wonderful boost they are for our mis-functioning brains :) You are not alone, there are many of us who have been there, and who still are. We will all fight together! And WIN.

cheeky curves said...

this is my fist time here, so I am not aware of all the lows that you have been experiencing, I do know that it is the hardest place to be in. but the first steps in recovery is acknowledging where you are. I always see it like an unknow cancer, if you allow it to go untreated the cancer grows, treatment is not always pleasant, and recovery is always a releif, for now do take care of yourself and be kind to youself

Mohamed Mughal said...

So glad to hear that you've got a supportive spouse AND that you're getting back to yourself!

Cyber-hugs, prayers and well-wishes,

Mohamed

emily wierenga said...

i do miss your posts.

i hope you can link up with imperfect prose...

your prose is so beautiful, friend.

thinking of you...xo

DORCAS said...

Thanks Alexis for sharing. I am so glad that you are doing better now. I know how you felt I have been there before. Bless you and your family.

~blessings

Dorcas

Joan said...

Dear Alexis,
Looking at your site for the first time, linked from Curious Acorn.
Your prose/poetry is beautiful.
This post is just as beautiful. The struggles are part of the gain.
You and your family are lovely.
Thank the Lord that he can create so much goodness out of our weakness and provides ready help in our need.
Many Blessings

The Empress said...

I'm so glad you're feeling better so quickly AND that you went to talk to someone. NOt saying you would've done something, but we had a suicide in our family. Depression is more serious than people realize.

It means something isn't working right and is NOT a character flaw....I'm so happy for you.

Robert Lloyd said...

Alexis I am sorry I am just now commenting and reading. I have been a tad bit swamped lately. I am so glad that you have find a solution to your situation. I wont claim to relate completely but I know a little of where you are coming from. The pen fo rme in those instances are the best release however nothing is more frustrating than not being able to use that release when you need it. I am so happy to here things are better. If ever you need to talk to a long winded email stranger you know Im your person...Just don't judge the spelling lol

dani9184 said...

Can I just tell you how proud I am of you for posting this?? :) Love you, love you, love you lots!!