We have all seen those commercials...
"Where does Depression Hurt?"
I can now answer that question but for a long time I didn't have the motivation to be my own advocate. It took some people around me to step in and point out a few things. Depression not only hurts the person who is depressed but it hurts their children and spouse. It throws the family into a spin.
Lately, I've had no prose or poetry to post. I have tried but I just can't seem to finish anything. This is the worst kind of writers block and then also, the best kind because I have been getting back to normal.
Recently, life has been empty. I tried to fill it up but I couldn't. I didn't know what was going on with me and I didn't care to find out. It was so hard to wake up every single day and think about walking down stairs, fixing my kids breakfast and interacting with them. It's pretty tough to own those feelings right there. It is painful to admit that I wanted them to play outside so I could sit on the couch and stare blank or that I didn't greet my husband when he walked in to door from work. That just kills me for them.
When we visited family or friends it took a lot of energy, to smile and be interested in conversation when I really just wanted to crawl under the covers and sleep.
Back at home, I struggled to do the simple things like clean my house, eat, take a shower, play with my kids and want to live my life. I constantly worried about so many little things, it was miserable.
One Saturday, my husband Johnny sent the kids in our room to watch a movie and he came over to me and asked me what was wrong. He asked me what was going on in my head and told me that life shouldn't be this hard. We got into a pretty big argument. It was in that moment I realized something was wrong.
The next Monday I went to see my Doctor and talked to her about all of my feelings. I was totally honest and that was hard because I felt like I might be inSANE! She prescribed me Paxil (which again, made me feel like I was losing my mind). It took me a few days to pray and commit to taking it. I even went back to see my Doctor once more to confirm that I really needed it. She confirmed...
I have the hardest time trusting myself and what I know. I struggle putting myself out there, broken and needy and tainted, trying not to care how people see me.
I am starting to feel so much better! Everyday I feel closer and closer to normal. Yesterday I cleaned my whole house, window sills and all and I was happy for the sunshine through the window pane and the giggles from my sweet babies. I find myself playing with my kids more and withdrawing less. It feels so good to want to read my Bible and draw closer to God. Even though I couldn't feel him while I was in that darkness, I know he is watching over me.
So, that is where I have been lately. It hasn't been the best of places but things are starting to look up and I'm off to find some more Prose in the Laundry...because it is actually getting done!
I just want to say Thank You to all of my blogging Friends. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your posts and your comments and your emails. Your all awesome!