Last night I had a dream I was still with him. I've had these dreams before and I always wake up feeling relieved that it's just a dream. Then, I thank God for this life and for saving me from that one. There is something missing though.
So, here is a story and for the first time there is forgiveness at the end of it.
I was 19 when I caught his eye. He was 22. He was in the ARMY and when we were married, I was my age. No more, no less.
Back then I thought if I was more mature, pretty, skinny, funny, lovely...
maybe then he would cherish me. I was so many good things but he still hit me--painting me black and blue with color and so many things I was not, with words.
So, I became the girl in the back row with the lame excuse for the black eye and swollen nose. Nobody called me out and I was thankful in my own way. I was now a symptom of him and no longer the girl I once was. I became withdrawn from friends and family but deep inside I was screaming for someone to rescue me.
I thought I could change him if I lost some weight or cleaned more. I did more but he never got better and so, I wasted months playing Russian Roulette by hand with a man who was really a lost boy. Then one day, I decided to rescue myself.
Finally, I got to that place...
Me staring at myself in the mirror and verbally telling my reflection,
"He could kill you with those hands."
Hands that had been around my neck the night before and then, I left him standing outside our apartment. His eyes red from promises made too late but this time I knew he couldn't keep them.
Suddenly, that life was gone...
but it wasn't erased. I've held on to it, all these years and it hurts every time I remember.
but forgivness can shade the pain and so...
I forgive you and I'm letting go of what you did to me. I pray you found the help you needed and that your free from your anger.
Joining Emily here for imperfect prose today.